David Arquette’s ex-mistress Jasmine Waltz, who has unfortunately been infected with a drug-resistant strain of Chronic Sexyface, might be pretending to be devastated by the fake accidental release of a tape featuring her and someone who is not even David Arquette doing grown up wrestling with each other.
Apparently the tape features naughty Valentine candy heart play, because there’s nothing sexier than covering your body with sugary, chalky residue and ruining a holiday (although, if they must ruin a holiday, I’m glad they ruined Valentine’s Day and not a cooler holiday like Halloween or the Fourth of July. Imagine the horrible things that could happen when stars combine genitalia and explosives).
I’m absolutely shocked that the public is now going to see what I made with my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’m not even famous which blows my mind even more, I’m just a girl in Hollywood.
Isn’t it funny how the tape just mysteriously got into someone else’s hands for profit? Suuuure, you had nothing to do with the video’s release. We believe that. And just when we had completely forgotten all about this chick and her 5 minutes of fame. Well, as much fame as banging David Arquette could possibly bring.
Besides, that quote sounds more like the voice over intro to a reality show that I would not admit to watching. Agencies