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Star Magazine Apologizes to Katie Holmes

Posted by on April 28, 2011 0 Comment

Katie Holmes’ $50 million libel lawsuit against Star magazine has ended. In today’s issue, Star apologized for a January story about how Tom Cruise and Scientology control Katie. Since Star don’t have 50 million dollars, they instead made a written apology to her in the latest issue as well as making a donation to the Dizzy Feet foundation, a charity Katie partially owns.

“In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction.Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.”
Katie responded back by making an issued statement today:

“I’m pleased that this lawsuit could be resolved amicably and accept American Media’s apology.”

Then she tightened the rubberband around her arm and stabbed herself with a syringe loaded with a tincture extracted from L. Ron Hubbard’s corpse. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and Tom Cruise whispered in her ear, “You have done well, my pretty. American Media’s money lines the Church of Scientology’s coffer. How could Star mess up the details about how every audit session begins with the ceremonial snorting of the dust of Xenu? Fucking amateurs.” Agencies

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